musings from an idiot

I don't have to make this stuff up; it just falls right into my lap.

 

idiot

actual conversation that just took place between my co-workers:

jury non-duty

I arrived to my first ever jury duty last week (in clear defiance of the recommended business casual dress code) wearing a beanie, glasses, t-shirt, fleece zip-up, striped neon gloves, rolled up jeans, leg warmers, and boots.  I was prepared to get comfortable should a snowstorm hit San Diego.  (It didn't.) 

To my astonishment, I was one of five out of about 500 people, that chose comfort. 

The room had been packed at the start of the day (an uncalled for 740am).  The picture above was taken when we were released from service in the late afternoon, and that frown is real.  It wasn't because I regretted my choice in clothing; I actually wanted to be a real life juror and really thought it was going to hear my name called.

Maybe next time I'll adhere to the clothing recommendations.  Probably not though.

breaking up is hard to do

 Cheddar,
What I'm about to put down in words really pains me, but it must be said.  We've had a really great run.  We've known each other for so long, and when we first met all those years ago it was love at first taste.  I thought we would be together forever.  I could never have imagined my life without you or with anything else.  I denied others who just couldn't match your superiority.  But these last few months have felt so foreign, like we are going through the motions without the emotion.  I feel like we've grown apart too much to ever get back to where we were.

Cheddar, I met something new.  I didn't plan it.  It just happened.  It wasn't you; it was me.  I just needed something different in my life.  I started using Mozzarella for pizza, then crackers, then pasta, then i started craving it all by itself.  And this whole time I didn't even realize we were falling in love.  Neither of us knew what was happening, but we couldn't deny the obvious connection or the feelings we were both experiencing.

I will always love you, Cheddar.  You have been there for me through good times and bad.  You've been tasty and reliable.   I hope that we can remain friends, and I really mean that.

Sincerely,
Me

if you weren't so old, i would punch you in the throat

Parental advisory: mother, there is explicit language that you will not appreciate.  Spare yourself and just scroll down to the picture.

Nobody likes to see me when I walk into their office.  I take time away from what they were working on, make multiple requests, tell them what they are doing wrong, and then end it by charging them for my time and mileage.  I understand that and try to make the process as efficient, quick, and pleasant as I can. 

Some show their contempt to my face and make the process painful and long (which ends up costing them more money in the long run), most are pleasant and understand that I am the cost of doing business, and a select few wait until after I am gone to put their misguided feelings in writing.  Here are some samples of dislike that I have received from people I have audited:

"I would like to make a comment about this auditor.  She spent 4 days here finding this, and her exit interview was so pitiful I had no comment for her.  She spent all that time here because she had been to 4 other escrow companies that were closed and she was not aware.  However, I was billed for those 4 days."

What the hell are you talking about?  It was so pitiful you couldn't comment?  That makes no sense, idiot.  I spent my time at your office because I went to other offices that were closed and I didn't know they were closed?  You make no sense, psycho.  I billed you for 4 days because it took me 4 days to go through your disorganized records.

I actually called this ho to discuss some other items and she was sweet as pie.  I told her that she was only charged for time that I was working on her exam and that I had only worked on her exam while I was at her office. Ho replied: "oh yeah, I know that. It's just that other companies are going out of business so I thought you were spending more time at my office because you didn't have anywhere else to go.

Me: "Nope.  I didn't extend your exam time because I had nowhere else to go."

Ho: "Oh yeah, I know. Well I just saw the bill and I was shocked at how high the bill was." 

Me: "I apologize if you were under the impression that I  was inflating your exam time. That was absolutely not what occurred. It is my intention to finish each exam as quickly as possible, and I assure you that you were only charged for time spent on your exam.  In fact, your exam was relatively low in hours.  Do you have any questions or comments that you weren't able discuss during the exit interview." 

Ho: "Oh no.  It's just that all of the items you commented on were things that only happen rarely and I just wish that you had spent more time looking through other files so you could have seen that those errors happened only one time and that it was not a symptom of more widespread inconsistencies."

Me: "If I had spent more time looking at enough files to confirm that the exceptions were one-time-only events, you would have been charged for all of those extra hours, which could have added another $1,000 to your bill." 

Ho: pause....thinking....thinking...."Oh yeah."

Me:  "Do you have any other questions or concerns that you would like to discuss.  Anything at all."

Ho: "No, I sure don't."

Me: "Okay, well if you can think of anything, please feel free to give me a call anytime." and don't just write a letter venting about how it was my fault that you have to pay for your own exam.  You knew the rules when you got your license.  Idiot.

The next batch of insults came from the one and only Cat Lady.  She is the rare breed that not only showed her distaste for me while I was in the office, but she also took it one step further and blamed me for all of her problems including, but not limited to, her CPA quitting.  I had  no idea the powers of persuasion I hold.  Here are a few of the things she had to say about me and my abilities...or obvious lack thereof:

"There was a typed closing statement in both files.  It was probably because she did not find a computer generated statement that she said none was filed."  Yes, I'm an idiot and can only recognize computer generated statements.  My eyes cannot even recognize something that is typed by a type...type...what do you call it...oh yeah: a typewriter.

"Our CPA quit because your auditor told him we were not complying with her requests when he called."  Um, you CPA quit because you were stealing money, asshole.  But yes, you are correct: you were not complying with my requests.

"Our batch accountant said our auditor must be very new in the business due to the requests made of him." I had to send my requests to him because you didn't understand what I was talking about after explaining things fifteen times very slowly.  Your files were so fucking incoherent and incomplete that I had to go to your batch accountant to request documents.  And do you know why I contacted him?  Because you told me you couldn't produce what I needed and you gave me his phone number and told me to call him.  Fuck you.

Surprisingly, I have also had people send in written statements complimenting me and my professionalism.  I won't bore you with the bags and bags of those types of letters.  They're just to voluminous to recount.

sweet sweet office space

Actual representation of what occured this morning:

Only one thing could make this set-up better: taller partitions. 

we have a date!

Not a due date.  Not a closing date.  A cublicle set up date!!!  Well...a set up weekend.  But that is fine.  Friday I will be sad.  But, come Monday, I will be happy!

I shall now remember the events of my life occuring in one of two phases.

going to have to start telling people i'm allergic to animals

I've been working at an office where one of the officers has a dog that she brings to work.  On top of sitting on dog hair while I work, the stupid dog barks at me whenever I walk in the door.  And, it has to get right next to my feet to do it.  Instead of locking the dog in another room, they just say things like, "oh chance, don't bark at her." 

Disclaimer: Despite the abundance of negative pet posts, I don't dislike all animals.  I don't even dislike dogs.  I just dislike this stupid one.  And cats.  And birds.

the future:

This is the glorious cubicle heaven that will occupy our shared-office shortly.  I've never before been this excited for my own workspace.

on the other side of this partition sits a very unhappy camper...

It's not a full-cubicle, but it will do for now! 

Pesky officemate was pretty shocked when he came in this morning to find he had been partioned.  I was not here when it happened, but was told that he stated, "but now I don't have a view."  A view of what you ask?  Of me and my female officemate.  The only thing he faces is us followed by a wall with bookshelves.  His window did not get blocked.

He was so enraged that (bad back and all) he hauled that thing out of our office himself. 

For some reason, he decided to put it back before I came in a few hours later and it is still standing.  He hasn't spoken a word to me...but the partition is still standing, and it is a wonderful view from where I sit.

(See directly below for "before" set-up that lasted for 2 years and 4.5 months.)

can't...handle...any...more...

This is my office at the end of the work day. As you can tell, I am the tidiest of the bunch.

The Burper has been assigned a project that will keep him in the office for months.  I really don't know how I am going to make it. 

I need my own cubicle. Yesterday. I am thisclose to bringing in a refrigerator box and making my own.

lady in red is... hurting my eyes

Saw this vision the other day at work. I think she was about 57 years of age.